A son's reflections on life and losing his father (the prologue)

To family and friends of my father, Dean Hochstetler, from far and near:

Some of you are likely already aware of the current circumstances, but know that my father Dean's death is imminent, only six months after my mother Edna died from cancer on April 25. While I find myself in the midst of "anticipatory grief" -- an all too familar feeling by now -- it is, once again, a very moving time with much blessing, truth be told. This sort of experience has been like flinging open a window to my soul, motivating me to reflect deeply about my own life journey and specifically, my relationship with Dad.

While some things will remain committed only to memory, I conveyed a lot in writing the last two evenings. Though I'm not sure exactly why, I've felt prompted to share some of my reflections in this more public venue. While it's both cathartic and therapeutic to pull these sorts of thoughts together, to consider posting all this publicly does indeed call forth some courage - I know from experience how vulnerable this can make one feel. It's hard to predict what will happen when one shares such intimate reflections at a sensitive moment like this in family life, because of varying perceptions of what is "appropriate." I intend to share the link to this blog more broadly after talking with Dad himself some more on Tuesday.*

I do hope that by risking a higher level of self-disclosure, this may contribute to others' understanding (though admittedly, from a very personal and "biased" perspective) regarding what sort of person my father really is, and the difference he has made in the lives of many. Here you will have access to my own personal reflections on what our relationship has been like, as father and son. Most important for this current moment in my experience, I will be trying to convey how blessed I feel for the opportunity to have him in my life as my own father, though for certain stretches I experienced this blessing simultaneously as a significant personal challenge - trying to absorb what it all means. I also recognize that some of what can be found here will likely come as quite a surprise -- should the reader happen to know me only from contexts where we have not yet discussed these important dimensions of family background or spiritual "world view."

(Warning: this is LONG, so just move on if you don't have five or ten minutes to read this and then contemplate your own parent's passing - because this account will quite likely prompt you in that direction!)

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Any day now, even though still alert and with a fairly clear mind, his doctors expect Dad to go into a coma because his kidneys have, for the most part, stopped working and the numbers that measure his kidney dysfunction have now risen to a level where this usually happens. My brother Verle and Dad's sister (retired RN) Mary Ellen, who both live about five miles away, have been alternating with his assisted living at his own home in Nappanee for quite some time already, seeing Dad at least twice a day. Dad has been experiencing congestive heart failure for over a dozen years and his cardiologist has consistently managed the medical balancing act, bringing Dad through some perilous times, which offered him about 10 extra years of life - we celebrated his 78th birthday just two weekends ago.

Verle is one of those sons who has probably had a fairly rare experience, managing a whole sweep of changes in relationship with his father, and I give him a huge amount of credit: Verle worked the first chunk of his adult life for his dad in "the shop" beside the home where we four sons were raised - a very successful farm equipment service/welding/general repair business. Then he became an equal partner with Dad in the business, until Dad got way too busy with the counseling work, then he bought Dad out and became sole owner -- transforming the business into a metal fabricating company with a new building a mile away -- and then with dad working for him part-time. Later Verle sold the business due to some exceedingly difficult life circumstances (during which Dad provided a great deal of emotional support) and in recent years Verle had his role as a son reversed, in many respects -- becoming Dad's primary care-giver and tending to many intimate emotional and physical needs.

Last week I initiated, with Dad's permission of course, getting him admitted to hospice care at his home, just to stay ahead of the situation before it gets out of hand physically. (He's a very big man and recently is expanding even more, due to kidney failure, if you know what I mean.) I felt we should take advantage of the extra support that home care/hospice has to offer my dad and our family during such a time as this. (As a member of our hospice team, I see way too many families that wait too long to get this started, so I followed through with my own advice.) Dad began using a walker -- instead of his gnarly homemade cane made from a unique tree branch -- just on Saturday. Though very unsteady now, he has no pain whatsoever - just very aware that he is about to fade away from consciousness. So we are making the most of the time:

My brother Lee and his family (on leave in the US now from Wycliffe Bible Translation work in Mali, West Africa) made their way here from North Carolina with his family yesterday and today -- arriving this morning. Dad's brother Alan arrived this afternoon from Williamsburg, Virginia. (My uncle Alan's own Parkinson's Disease couldn't keep him from driving one of his beloved old cars!) Dad called his scattered grandchildren on the phone this past weekend, to say goodbye and to offer his blessing to them, even a couple of them who have kept some emotional "distance." I listened to him talk with my daughter - powerful stuff. Friends are phoning today, or dropping by for a bit to offer their affirmation and farewells.

Dad told me a week ago he can feel his life rapidly drawing to a close, that he his laying his life down now with absolutely no regrets, plenty of good memories, and with great hope and anticipation for the future. I can see that he is dying content, pain-free, with no further expectations, knowing that he has fulfilled everything that God called him to do, and really looking forward to joining my mother Edna, my brother Donald, his own parents, and a host of others who look forward to his joining "the great cloud of witnesses."

Those who know him well can probably just hear him say what he told my brother Verle a few days ago, when he asked Dad what it feels like to be dying: "Well, yesterday I plowed, today I'm working the ground, and quite soon I'm going to plant."

Yesterday evening (Sunday) at 6 pm there was a special service in his home when he and his friends ritualized a transfer like "the mantle of Elijah" - the leadership of his special counseling and deliverance ministry he pioneered in this area - to Ben (school teacher) and Angela Snyder (professionally trained counselor.) A similar ceremony for Delora Reinhart (a hospital nursing supervisor) who has been a key partner in his effort to provide continuity of leadership for the future, occurred earlier Sunday afternoon at 2 pm. It was attended by almost all "the original twelve" in an interdenominational group (now expanded to several dozen) Dad has been teaching and mentoring for the past decade, plus some leaders from the Yellow Creek Mennonite Church. Harold Bauman joined the group in the afternoon and shared a few words, as well. He teaches the advanced group, since this training program now involves three levels.

Yes, Dad's vision has come to fruition, quite a long way since the days of overt opposition from the leadership of the Mennonite Church, then his ordination 20 years ago by the Indiana-Michigan Mennonite Conference specifically for this type of specialized ministry. (When you stop to think about it, it's no wonder there were great hurdles to cross - I mean, jeepers, he not only fought with "demons" that constantly sought to pester him - he fought the demons of others, as well!) I've observed the whole sweep of it develop since square one as a teenager, but sometimes from afar, not "inside" this ministry -- though certainly very aware of what is going on, and constantly questioning and learning a host of valuable things. A while back I reconciled myself with my own clear calling I knew I needed to pursue. And I never felt any pressure from my father to be the one to bear "his mantle" (whew!) although I have facilitated some important networking and referral of "difficult cases" at various key points along the way.

Of course, as his eldest son, there would naturally be many personal "issues" to deal with along the way, as you can imagine, but we have always managed to find a way to work through them. (I shared at some depth my own views and experience with my relationship with my father on the MennoLink email list two or three years ago, after someone else brought up the topic of his ministry, which generated quite the discussion for about a month afterward.)

During a conversation I had with Dad the middle of last week I shared with him (though I could hardly speak at the time) that there have been a number of moments throughout the years when I wondered why in the world was I born into a family with a father like this (who presented such intellectual, emotional and theological conundrums in my life.) However, in spite of our unique "takes" on life, and of course some differences in perspective, I told him that "I am extremely grateful and proud to have been able to call him my father, and to be his son."

As I entered adulthood I embraced his own searching, exploring, daring, yet humble, listening, and affirming approach to life - to justice - to foster freedom in people's lives. But I didn't realize the connections then - for quite some time I only focused on how different we were - I was seeking differentiation. It was such a revelation when (somewhere in my 40's and especially during Clinical Pastoral Education) I began to reflect on how deeply embodied these values were -- not only descriptive of my own central drive in life, but part of my family heritage. I not only got some family "junk" to work through, but a whole lot of desirable character as well -- from him! I didn't really articulate all those fancy words and concepts in that moment last week - but I know that he knew what I meant. And his affirming response, that included words of pride and gratitude for the lives and relationship he has been able to enjoy with all his sons, was a moment I'll not forget. It was one more special time -- a mutual feeling of profound blessing.

Last evening I sent a word of personal thanks to a special group of people, some of whom have walked with my Dad for the last twenty-plus years through a lot of uncharted terrritory. These are people serving on what was originally called an "Accountability Committee" set up by the Church Life Commission of the local district of the Mennonite Church in the mid-1980's to discern what was really going on with my dad and his "work." (These days the official name of that group is "The Bondage and Deliverance Committee of the Church Life Commission" of the IN-MI Conference.) They have worked hard recently to set up standards of readiness for ordination of others to such ministry. Dad needed this group, because he had no formal credentials, no real college or seminary education - though he was widely read and has taught many a seminary class. (He told me Sunday morning, when it was just the two of us, that if he had it to do all over again, and had a choice, he would have pursued the field of psychology.)

Over the past two decades Dad shared countless case studies from his counseling work with this special committee, and met with them regularly -- even up through this past summer when he declared that his life's work was done. Their legacy of hard work and great support over the years to my father, has undergirded what he was able to accomplish. There is no doubt in my mind that this ministry could never have approached the depth and durability it has today without the work of that group. This committee provided a basis for his integrity, validation, discernment of direction, and the start of integration of this ministry into the life of the church as a whole, as far as the Mennonite Church is concerned.

As a result, this sort of ministry is no longer deemed "parachurch", as it often gets relegated in relation to other mainline denominations, but has been getting integrated back into the central ministry of (at least some) of our churches for the long haul - right where it belongs, just as Jesus himself taught us to do. (Matthew 10:1-8) Dad's impact reached far beyond the Mennonite Church, however, into several other denominations and their seminaries -- for a long time before his efforts were appreciated and incorporated by leaders within our own church.

Dad often shares an overarching concern with me when we converse about this subject: that the Mennonite seminaries train and recruit into their faculties more instructors who are competent to "carry the torch" for the next generation; to take the place of those who have been doing it but are retiring; to teach these specific spiritual counseling and pastoral care strategies to many pastors-in-training, and other professionals in the healing arts, who pursue advance studies at our seminaries and beyond. Those who have benefitted from this already in their training, scattered in this country and across the world, are constantly sending stories, messages of support, and appeals to network -- expressing appreciation for having acquired these skills, realizing they would otherwise be rendered quite powerless to deal with many of the perplexing and oppressive pastoral care situations they face. He (and my mother, his partner) really made a difference in hundreds, possibly thousands of lives - we'll never know how many, nor does he care to keep track.

I am personally concerned that we actively build up a network of healing professionals including discerning psychologists and psychiatrists who can work together on an interdisciplinary team alongside others in the pastoral community, to make referrals to each other, share experiences, and work together on "tough cases." There are encouraging signs in this area locally, as conversations ensue with such professionals that I encounter in my own work, day to day, indicating to me that the capacity for this to develop is quite good. I hope I, too, can make a difference in this dimension, as I endeavor to deploy my own networking skills and explore the possibilities.

Anyway, back to yesterday: everyone who gathered for the meeting with him recognized that to have such a ritual put them in more "uncharted waters" -- however, one of the participants in this ministry group had earlier received specific guidance from the Holy Spirit about the need for this sort of transitional ritual - and how it should be done - and Dad simply followed through, saying they shouldn't wait. It had to be done now if it was going to be done. (It's been the basic modus operandi of his life - following the prompting of the Holy Spirit, as he "plowed new ground" - but being very responsible to others in the process.)

For me personally, though I was behind the camera, to witness what happened and what all was said as the day unfolded yesterday was quite the moving experience, to say the least. I can understand now why it was important to happen before "time runs out." (I won't go into details here, but I have the highlights of these experiences all recorded on video DVDs. I happened to have my movie camera along when I arrived early Sunday morning to take my turn caring for him during that day - before I realized any of this was going to happen.)

Yesterday Dad was still able to compose his thoughts, read, and speak, and even sing a little bit! He had already transfered his unique library the day before -- about a thousand volumes, together with many other papers he authored over the years and recently sorted through -- into Ben Snyder's hands. Sunday evening as he read from scripture, Dad quoted the Apostle Paul: "I have run the race...I have finished the course..."

Lynda Hollinger-Janzen and I had hoped to get together with him over the past weeks, to prepare to do interviews and collect materials to write a book about his extraordinary life, since he gave me permission to pursue that about the end of August, and I invited her to collaborate on this, but just as I was leaving on a two week vacation in connection with my daughter's wedding. Others have been badgering him to let someone do this before, but he would never give permission. Though many of his friends and acquaintences share how they initially quaked in fear and wonderment at how they would be received by one who had developed such a widespread reputation for success in freeing people from their demonic oppression -- this is the dad I've come to know, especially in recent decades: a very humble man well aware of his own weaknesses and failings, who resisted drawing attention to himself, but instead yearned to draw people's attention to focus on the One who sits on "the Throne of Grace" as he loves to put it.

Lynda herself shared a story today that she said I could post, which illustrates this dynamic in his personality so well:

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"I’d spoken with Dean in the context of meetings and seminars but the first time my husband and I went to visit him on a personal matter in 2002, I was very nervous. His powerful presence awed me. What evidence of demonic activity would he see in me, even though I was going to meet him on behalf of someone else?

We parked the car by a cornfield and prayed before gathering up the courage to pull into his driveway. I don’t think I would have been more apprehensive before the Pearly Gates expecting St. Peter to answer the ring than when I rang the Hochstetler’s doorbell. Dean opened the door and just stood there with such a big, welcoming smile on his face that worry could not coexist in the presence of this great compassion.

“Perfect love casts out all fear.” I John 4:18

Dean, of course, spent hours with us. He armed us with deliverance prayers, books, case studies ... and assured us that we were equipped by the power Jesus gives to confront and overcome evil.

We thank God for Dean and Edna’s faithful courage and obedience that opened the windows of God’s redeeming love in so many lives." --Lynda Hollinger-Janzen, Mennonite Mission Network
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Dad loved people, listened to them for hours on end, helping them clean up their guilt issues and face their systemic family problems that were often rooted in generations of spiritual dysfunction. He resisted dependence; his goal was always for counselees to become empowered for themselves; to learn to appropriate "the all-sufficient power and authority of Jesus within their own lives." More often than not, no literal demons were manifested, but woe be to the one or several who did. However, Dad exercised great patience with people, because some "tough cases" took weeks or months before people could resist their relapses successfully. He did not like to work alone, in fact, considered that dangerous, and always, always, mentored other leaders in the process.

He did not ever take on a case without considering their follow-up needs, first ensuring that others were ready to tend to the client's pastoral care issues that would inevitably need to be addressed. And he never charged a fee or took a dollar for his work, unless they absolutely insisted, and it was for their own psychological benefit to do so. Mom and Dad's living room was often "the office" and they worked together to exercise their gifts of hospitality. This is the character of my father -- the Dean Hochstetler that I know. Some of these skills and principles that I learned from observation, and from listening to him respond to my questions have been invaluable in my own work and ministry. And I don't even know the half of it.

Towards the middle of September, as I made ready to pick up on this "book writing" opportunity, I could tell from further conversation with Dad that he really didn't want to do much interviewing in preparation for it. He said there is a lot that can be researched about his life after he's gone, some tapes that were already made, and reams of papers and case studies he wrote. Yes, there is a lot of research that could be done, and I'm sure will be done by others for some time to come.

The truth of the matter is he's felt "too tired" to participate in such a process. So I hestitated to push it too much, and decided to back off -- to just letting things unfold a bit more naturally. I had brought my video camera with me on a previous visit and reminisced with him spontaneously then for a few hours, drawing out some stories and getting good footage for the sake of other family members and generations to come.

This morning, upon awakening, I got the inspiration to set up a weblog soon - where folks who know him can post their own thoughts, affirmations, stories and testimonials - to jump-start that book. The idea came as I checked my email this forenoon, and realized the responses to a message I sent out last night to an email list of his friends were already rolling in and continued to do so all day -- not only from around this country, but others as well. Here is just one sample among the many:

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Dear Clair:

I am expressing appreciation for Dean's ministry. The Lord has used him at times to greatly influence the call upon my life. Shortly after high school I had a dream wherein I was delivering a friend from demonization. At that time I knew very little of this ministry. However, soon after that, this friend was taken to Elkhart General Hospital and Dean ministered to him. This set forth a 16-year journey in ministry and education with a variety of exposures to deliverance and inner-healing ministry. Currently I am in a PsyD. program, as a student, at a Christian university [the university was named here] believing God has directed me to a full-time ministry of discipleship therapy to the hurt, the burdened, and the demonically- oppressed. The Lord has used Dean to help me greater understand the unique ministry God is calling me to. It has been an honor to know him and to have had some teaching from him.

As I move into the field of Christian psychology and am battling against oppression from both purely "secular" psychology and the spirit realm, as well, I will continue to remember the path the Lord blazed through Dean, as well as the struggles he had -- both with the church and secular society.

Dean, thank-you for your courage, strength, and willingness to be used by God in a unique and bold way.

With Great Appreciation,
(Signature of this pastor, now a Psy.D. student)
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If anyone reading this on "the web" (or getting this passed along to them from someone else who copied it from this source) knows my father Dean, and wants to send a personal message to him, that can be done either 1) by posting right here on this blog, as a reply, or 2) by sending it to my email address at Clair.Hochstetler@gmail.com

However, you will want to do this in the next day or so, if you want to make sure he gets a chance to hear it himself. One could also try calling him at home -- and for those interested I can give the phone number privately. One of us will be there with him all the time, until he's left us - to figure out "the rest of it" for ourselves.

Clair Hochstetler
Monday evening, October 23, 2006

P.S. Please click on the "comments" line - it appears right below each posting - if you would like to share your own reflection, affirmation, or story about my father Dean with other readers and our family. ("Tall stories" and tales of humorous situations you have found him in are OK, too, because I know there are a few floating around out there! Simply post it now or later - over the weeks ahead. And please feel free to pass along the location of this website, via this link: http://deanhochstetler.blogspot.com/ )

Send private messages (that you don't want posted here) to Clair.Hochstetler@gmail.com